Whether you’re waking up with a twenty-pound note stuck to your face and some lump of an investment wanker between your legs, working hard selling your soul to the man, or rolling around on a Thai beach finding yourself… There’s going to be someone, somewhere thinking you’re failing your twenties. I guess when I got over that fact I didn’t mind all those Sundays spent curled up in the foetal position with my head in the toilet, or spending so many hours fussing over the shape of my eyebrows. But come on… When my Facebook Newsfeed spews out an alarming number of smug married couples, people with amazing jobs and just so much fucking silver lining happiness, and I’m sitting on my bed in my pants having cooked ham and a gin and tonic in a can for dinner, I really do wonder about all the ways I have been failing my twenties.
So what did I do? What any twenty-something with a blog would do about it, I wrote a fucking list. Let us begin…
#101: Spending too long waiting for him to text you back… How many times I’ve made up ten different hypothetical situations where that loser of a Shoreditch boy with a side parting I met in Cargo was my soul mate. The innate ability for me to misinterpret “Sup?” with “I love you and let’s have babies.” is a skill envied by none. I can’t believe how many dinners with my girlfriends I wasted moaning about the latest dead beat boy that was in my life. And it is always so obvious but I never mastered the ability to put. down. the. phone. I had to always beat that dead horse until there wasn’t even a “Sup?” between us.
#100: Cutting my own hair. Just don’t. I know when you have and you know that I did that one time when I was 21 and my fringe looked great for my birthday night out at Pout in Manchester but then after that you always looked at me cock-eyed because… What the hell did she do to her hair. Like coffee and comfortable shoes, there are a few things worth spending money on them. Let your hair be one of them.
#99: I’ve got 99 problems and 80 of them are situations I’ve made up in my head about things that will never happen.
#98: Wearing tops as dresses for a good 3 years…
#97: Plucking my eyebrows too thin.
#96: Not plucking my eyebrows (monobrow).
#95: Being too embarrassed to get what I want… One day I woke up and said fuck it! I can’t deal with all these complex dating rules and I decided to be honest when it came to guys. Probably too honest… but I had this idea that if I was honest and keen when I felt keen, and up front when I didn’t feel keen, I knew one day I would meet someone that would be OK with my keen. In fact, they would be more than OK with my keen. I would like to say it was immediately successful but it took a lot of broken hearts to have it work. Perhaps I should have played in more cool or waiting three days for a text… Or even one day to add him on Facebook… But hey, ain’t nobody got time for that. And anyway, I added him on Facebook after about 3 hours and now he’s my boyfriend. (But he won’t let me live that one down).
#94: Skipping breakfast too much. Or spending too much on Pret porridge.
#93: Not learning how to budget. I live to what I earn. Which in recent years got me accustomed to impromptu champagne Tuesdays with my pals, and then desperately eating package noodles at the end of the month. I do try to save… But every time I sip my Pumpkin Spice Latte I think to myself, and only for a second, well there goes £3 towards a holiday/coat/manicure. But then I think to myself, wow this Pumpkin Spice Latte is really nice, I might get a muffin too.
On payday… (31st)
After I pay my rent… (2nd)
#92: Going as a cat to every. single. Halloween. Meow?
(spoiler. I’m not failing my twenties and nor are you but I’ll keep counting down #101 ways I’m failing my twenties, feel free to contribute!)