The Patty and Bun Theory

So you’ve scared them won them over with your opening lines, the law of probability says that eventually you’ll match, chat and bag yourself a date. And if I can bag a date with my lines, there’s hope for us all.

But where do you go? This could be a story you’re telling your grandchildren one day, or maybe just your therapist, so you want to make it good. Many people opt for the drinks, but wine on an empty stomach after a day at work can never end well. (Especially if I’ve spent half the day in the crying cupboard again.) So like all decisions in my life, I choose to always stay true to myself, my stomach. I need food and I’m pretty sure it scientifically increases the likelihood of falling in love*.

*not scientifically proven but there is a link between the amount of food I eat and how gooey eyed I get on a date.

Much like my very well thought through opening lines experiments I thought to myself that I needed to find the best way to ensure that the carbs didn’t blur my reasoning and I judged everyone fairly and not just on the amount of house white I had gobbled.

Enter Patty & Bun (sorry guys) for my perfect date control test.

A control group is defined as “the group in an experiment or study that does not receive treatment by the researchers and is then used as a benchmark to measure how the other tested subjects do.” So I’m not being entirely true to its definition, but essentially I decided to use the same first date place for a number of first dates so I could compare them and use it as a way to choose a second date (rather than trusting those emotions of mine that have been known to be dicks). That makes me sound like an asshole but after failing in so many ways dating I felt why the hell not. I’ve gone for love, money, lust, the “safe”, and the “unsafe” and nothing really sticks. Some people might think it was an issue about myself I should look at. I decided to standardise my first date.

So why does Patty & Bun tick all of my control group boxes?

  • First of all, who doesn’t like burgers? It’s an easy win.
  • It’s a small and popular burger joint and queuing can be expected, therefore I can gauge their patience when faced with a (perhaps unexpected queue). This might be a good indication of the patience needed to date me.
  • When it’s really busy, service is good but perhaps fast paced – do they get agitated or roll with it? Again, this is an excellent indication of how easily agitated they get when I can’t decide what to eat/where to go/what to do WITH MY LIFE.
  • Burgers are messy things – do they wash their hands? Do they eat the burger with a knife and fork? Do they eat a burger like a graceful swan leaving no trace of sauce around their lips (although I kinda dig messy pups)
  • We’re going to have finished within 90 minutes if we’re lucky –leaving two options – it was terrible and you can get home before 9 without it being too obvious, or, it was good and you have the rest of the night to drink cheap house white and stare into their eyes at the pub round the corner.

So there’s a theory that I made up to why I take every first date to Patty & Bun. But mainly because I fucking love their burgers.

Disclaimer: Please note, I may be an asshole but I am kidding, but I have been on at least 3 first dates here in the last 2 months.


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