(*tried and tested)
Every time I log into Bumble (after uninstalling it for the 2nd time that week) I am at first filled with hope and romance, which is quickly replaced by questioning why I do it to myself. I thought dating apps would boost my self confidence but all they have done is left me wondering whether I’m pretty/thin/witty enough to warrant Barry from Clapham who is apparently 6”1’ to send a reply to my carefully crafted opening line. I really see where Bumble is trying to go with the girls starting the conversation and hell, I’m sure it’s cut down on the average number of surprise penis pictures coming a girl’s way, and yet the last thing I feel is empowered. However, everything has flaws; let’s not fall on the first hurdle. I thought I’d give it a chance and test out a series of opening lines to measure the success rate and make the mistakes so you don’t have to.
Method 1: The standard opener.
“Hey, how are you?”
It’s not big and it’s not clever but hell it’ll stop you saying any of the below and that might just get you a date. My friends told me this was dating app suicide but it worked around the same amount as any other method. And do you know what, sometimes I just want someone to ask me how my day went.
Rating: 2/5 – don’t be scared of being normal.
Method 2: The gif.
I love me a gif. Beyonce and Nicki Minaj eating burgers. Cat ninjas. Pandas falling down a slide. But have I mastered the gif as a flirting tool? No. Do I want to…? I’m not sure. Inevitably it spirals into a gif only conversation which could get tricky when you meet at a grotty Sam Smith’s pub and have to talk through googling gifs about how your day went. I ended up in a conversation with a 36 year old man who sent me gifs of tumbleweed when I didn’t reply instantaneously. He then sent me a video gif on Whatsapp when I didn’t reply because I was at work.
Rating: 1/5 – it’s a slippery slope; leave the gifs for you and your bestie.
Method 3: The Sherlock.
Scan their photos and their bio for something that is different, some may say, odd, to point out and highlight. It shows that you have wonderful attention detail and are interested in their interests. See below:
Rating: 4/5 for originality, maybe 2/5 for success because you know, maybe you come off endearing, maybe you come off creepy.
Method 4: The Picasso.
Be creative. Go rogue.
He’s listening, for what? This isn’t bloody X-Factor and I’m not waiting for you to buzz your stupid buzzer.
I have a degree and a job and a house the only thing person who should be waiting is me, for a pre-nup. I thought the whole point of a conversation is that it’s give and take and I’ve given all I could in that first line. That said, this is my preferred method of Bumble opening lines I just need to work on keeping the conversation going after the first line…
Rating: 5/5 for being awesome, 1/5 for success after the first interaction. I literally run out of things to say after expending all my energy on an opening corker.
Perhaps the men of Bumble SW9 and 10 miles of the surrounding area are not ready for the Picasso. And I’m not ready for conversations longer than 5 lines.
Ignore all my methods, tell them you’re not great at opening lines but they look cute in that top they’re wearing or you liked Thailand as much as it seems they did from their photo and that they look like they have plenty of stories that would be great to hear over a bottle of wine. There are some people out there that like to keep it traditional. They say they want rogue, but inevitably, they can’t handle the rogue.
Well lucky you, Barry from Clapham thinks you’re up to his standards and you’ve bagged yourself a date. But where will you go… stay tuned while I test this shitty dating world so you don’t have to.*
*Disclaimer: it’s not that shitty and Barry was actually quite nice.