Last time I was single Tinder was something reserved for the world of hook-ups and sordid fantasies. But in the time my last relationship had blossomed and subsequently crashed and burned – Tinder had become not only a hook-up app, but also a place for people to meet their true love. People have met, fallen in love and gotten married in the couple of years it took me to convince my ex to have a conversation about our future, which consequently led to him leaving the country to pursue a different future without me. But who’s recalling the little details anyway…
After staring longingly at my phone for a couple of months hoping my ex would call me, I decided to call it a day, mainly due to the RSI I was giving myself from refreshing his Instagram page. But the world of modern dating can be a daunting place for a newbie like myself with so many apps to navigate, so many aubergine emojis, and now, even gifs are a way to flirt. My friends informed me that “Hey, how are you” was the romantic chat of peasants and that I would have to up my game if I was going to get noticed in a sea of flower crowns and dog filter profiles pictures.
It seemed like trying to find a needle in a haystack. How could 3 photos and a three-line bio tell me if this was the next love of my life? I believed there had to be a better way to filter than just by miles and height. So I decided to put my GCSE science to the test and run a few dating experiments to help me navigate the scary world of dating in 2016.
Step 1. Download a dating app. With the prospect of finding sex, love and penis pictures all in one place – how can a girl choose to start anywhere else?
I chose Bumble, it seemed the least offensive and since the girl has to speak first, surely you couldn’t get too many surprise penis pictures (famous last words…).
Step 2. Find a series of photos that summarises all I aspire to be: the most intelligent woman in the world, the most beautiful woman in the world, not an alcoholic, vaguely fun, not a psychopath, so interesting I clearly do not need an app to find a boyfriend.
Step 3. Think of a bio that does the above. I settled with something succinct and to the point: “I like burgers, yoga and running. Also not a terrible person.”
Step 4. Try to calculate the optimum age and distance range to match with Prince Harry.
Step 5. Start to scroll my evening away and the let the (scientifically monitored) dating games begin.